Why I Chose to Leave the Peace Corps

As someone who has done both of the following, I can tell you with 100% certainty that the only thing harder than being a Peace Corps Volunteer is deciding NOT to be a Peace Corps Volunteer any longer. It's a gut-wrenching decision I continue to wrestle with, dream about, and cry over even now that I am home in the States. Did I do the right thing? Did I make the right decision? I am positive that I did. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the sense of failure I feel about coming home.

One of the primary reasons that I am grateful to be at home right now is a delicate, on-going family situation, so I will refrain from writing about it here. The other reasons, however, I am happy to share.

In December, I spent a beautiful three weeks at home with the people I love, and began to realize that my heart simply was not in Costa Rica. It never really had been, at least not as fully as it was in the work I was already doing at home. I finally had to acknowledge the nagging doubt I had been avoiding for a while -- the realization that, in one year, I had already gained everything I had hoped to gain from the PC personally, and that, in terms of service work, I had been making a bigger difference at home than I was in Costa Rica.

I was drawn to the PC because I wanted to know for certain that I had made a difference in the world and made someone's life better. But those values didn't pop up out of nowhere when I landed in Costa Rica. Rather, I had already been doing my best to make a difference at home. I have ten - yes, TEN - kids that I regularly mentor here in the States, and I've always felt a bit guilty about leaving them, even if it was for a great cause. Of course, I can't go into all the details of how/why these kiddos appreciate having a mentor around, but trust me when I say it's a very good thing.

Genesis, Allyson, and me

Leidi, Genesis, Allyson, and me

Legend, Eve, Haley, Juju, and Felicity! 

Perla and Edgar 

Perla and Edgar and their mom at Karina's birthday party!

Through these beautiful kids, I got tied into the Latino community in Gettysburg, and I feel integrated into that community in a way I never felt in my Costa Rican site. People from the community here routinely reach out to me with questions or for help translating or for information about resources like housing, etc., that I know about from working at different non-profits. More than that, they've adopted me as a part of their family. I go to birthday parties, church, family gatherings, etc. with them. As much as I try to reach out and help the kids and families in this community, they reach out to me just as much with open arms. That was simply not the case in my site.

In my site in Costa Rica, La Inmaculada de Quepos, I started a bilingual after-school program. At first, it was a great success. After the novelty wore off, however, my community members' enthusiasm wore off. They stopped showing up to help out with the program. I can't tell you how many times I ended up teaching a group of thirty kids by myself because my helpers no-showed. Even the directiva (the committee, made up of moms of the students) became irresponsible and flaky. They wouldn't show up for meetings. They stopped returning my calls, etc. Without going into a lot of petty details, trust me when I tell you that I tried EVERYTHING in my repertoire to get community members involved in my project so that it would be sustainable after I left Costa Rica. They simply weren't interested -- the adults, that is. It's a shame, because the kids really did love the program and wanted it to continue. But without any adults in the community who want to help, it was a lost cause. Over and over and over again, I ran into people who, at least in my opinion, SHOULD have wanted to work with me, who instead saw me as a burden, someone who got in the way of their normal routine. The best way I can think to describe it is apathy. My community just didn't want to be bothered, regardless of the benefits they and their children could reap from working with Peace Corps. 

The same was true in community English classes in my site. The first few classes were full, and then attendance dropped off. And working in the actual schools I was assigned to was difficult as well. Two of my assigned co-teachers, at the larger school in my site, simply did not seem to want to work with me. Every time I was supposed to go to school with them, something "came up" and it was cancelled. Now, some of the time, this is just par for the course in CR schools. But it happened so often that it became fishy. At my other schools, I was lucky to have Isa, a wonderful co-teacher and friend. The students, however, were super disrespectful and nothing I did seemed to break through. Anyway, you get the idea. My community didn't want my help, and I got tired of forcing myself on people who didn't want me there when I had a loving community here at home. I think a line from a music video made by Peace Corps Volunteers in Vanautu sums my situation up pretty well:

"You just came here to help...What the hell? They don't want your help! 

You just came here to help...What the hell? Please just let me help you!"

The realization that my community simply didn't want me there--which came to me for many reasons, aside from the ones listed above, including host family issues, etc.--was a big catalyst for me leaving. The other main component was that I already had gained everything I wanted to gain from PC in my first year. I wanted to gain self-assurance and independence like never before -- Check! I wanted to live abroad and perfect my Spanish -- Check! I wanted to be fully integrated into another culture -- Check! I also realized that, at home, I already had two main things I wanted to gain and that I was NOT gaining them in Costa Rica -- the kind of integration I have here with the Latino community at home, and a community that is willing and ready to receive help AND help themselves and others! Leaving was the only logical decision I could make after thinking all of this through.

Now, before you go thinking I hated Costa Rica and had a terrible experience, I wanna stop this complaining train and say that that is 100% NOT TRUE. I had a wonderful year in Costa Rica, despite some frustrating experiences. I made wonderful friends, integrated into another culture more fully than I thought possible, gained independence and confidence, learned that I can fend for myself in a foreign country, went horseback riding on a Costa Rican beach, swam in water falls, saw monkeys in my back yard, all while managing to do some good for the kids in my community. It was an incredibly enriching experience, even though it did not turn out how I thought it would. That experience also taught me more about what I want and where I belong, knowledge I never would have had without leaving. I do not regret it in any way, and there are dear friends I left behind in Costa Rica that I will always miss and keep in touch with. Leaving was by no means an easy decision, and here's a photographic explanation of why: 

Ana, my dear friend and host sister . Don't know what
 I would have done without Ana and her family and her precious kids! 

My beautiful friend (and Tica mom!) Isa on her wedding day! 

My beloved host brother Gabriel (in the very back) and some
of my other kiddos at the after school program.

Doing a Halloween art project

Horseback riding with Rattana, one of my best friends from Tico 23.

Leinner, one of my students who became one of my best friends. 

I love how colorful Latin America is.

Does this really need explanation?

With Alex at a waterfall

Tico Thanksgiving with my Tico family <3 

Cristel's first communion

As you can see, I'm leaving behind a lot of wonderful friends, but I know that we will keep in contact and visit each other. 

In spite of all the mixed feelings I've had about this decision, I can say that I am growing more and more at peace with it every day. It turns out that my beloved dog, Lucky, was very near death when I brought him home and probably would have died by now if I hadn't taken him to the vet here at home. I start a new job on Monday working at a local school to prevent truancy, and it seems perfect to me. So, while things didn't go how I expected, everything seems to be working out for the best, and I am content. 

Pura Vida,

Rachel