Why I Chose to Leave the Peace Corps

As someone who has done both of the following, I can tell you with 100% certainty that the only thing harder than being a Peace Corps Volunteer is deciding NOT to be a Peace Corps Volunteer any longer. It's a gut-wrenching decision I continue to wrestle with, dream about, and cry over even now that I am home in the States. Did I do the right thing? Did I make the right decision? I am positive that I did. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with the sense of failure I feel about coming home.

One of the primary reasons that I am grateful to be at home right now is a delicate, on-going family situation, so I will refrain from writing about it here. The other reasons, however, I am happy to share.

In December, I spent a beautiful three weeks at home with the people I love, and began to realize that my heart simply was not in Costa Rica. It never really had been, at least not as fully as it was in the work I was already doing at home. I finally had to acknowledge the nagging doubt I had been avoiding for a while -- the realization that, in one year, I had already gained everything I had hoped to gain from the PC personally, and that, in terms of service work, I had been making a bigger difference at home than I was in Costa Rica.

I was drawn to the PC because I wanted to know for certain that I had made a difference in the world and made someone's life better. But those values didn't pop up out of nowhere when I landed in Costa Rica. Rather, I had already been doing my best to make a difference at home. I have ten - yes, TEN - kids that I regularly mentor here in the States, and I've always felt a bit guilty about leaving them, even if it was for a great cause. Of course, I can't go into all the details of how/why these kiddos appreciate having a mentor around, but trust me when I say it's a very good thing.

Genesis, Allyson, and me

Leidi, Genesis, Allyson, and me

Legend, Eve, Haley, Juju, and Felicity! 

Perla and Edgar 

Perla and Edgar and their mom at Karina's birthday party!

Through these beautiful kids, I got tied into the Latino community in Gettysburg, and I feel integrated into that community in a way I never felt in my Costa Rican site. People from the community here routinely reach out to me with questions or for help translating or for information about resources like housing, etc., that I know about from working at different non-profits. More than that, they've adopted me as a part of their family. I go to birthday parties, church, family gatherings, etc. with them. As much as I try to reach out and help the kids and families in this community, they reach out to me just as much with open arms. That was simply not the case in my site.

In my site in Costa Rica, La Inmaculada de Quepos, I started a bilingual after-school program. At first, it was a great success. After the novelty wore off, however, my community members' enthusiasm wore off. They stopped showing up to help out with the program. I can't tell you how many times I ended up teaching a group of thirty kids by myself because my helpers no-showed. Even the directiva (the committee, made up of moms of the students) became irresponsible and flaky. They wouldn't show up for meetings. They stopped returning my calls, etc. Without going into a lot of petty details, trust me when I tell you that I tried EVERYTHING in my repertoire to get community members involved in my project so that it would be sustainable after I left Costa Rica. They simply weren't interested -- the adults, that is. It's a shame, because the kids really did love the program and wanted it to continue. But without any adults in the community who want to help, it was a lost cause. Over and over and over again, I ran into people who, at least in my opinion, SHOULD have wanted to work with me, who instead saw me as a burden, someone who got in the way of their normal routine. The best way I can think to describe it is apathy. My community just didn't want to be bothered, regardless of the benefits they and their children could reap from working with Peace Corps. 

The same was true in community English classes in my site. The first few classes were full, and then attendance dropped off. And working in the actual schools I was assigned to was difficult as well. Two of my assigned co-teachers, at the larger school in my site, simply did not seem to want to work with me. Every time I was supposed to go to school with them, something "came up" and it was cancelled. Now, some of the time, this is just par for the course in CR schools. But it happened so often that it became fishy. At my other schools, I was lucky to have Isa, a wonderful co-teacher and friend. The students, however, were super disrespectful and nothing I did seemed to break through. Anyway, you get the idea. My community didn't want my help, and I got tired of forcing myself on people who didn't want me there when I had a loving community here at home. I think a line from a music video made by Peace Corps Volunteers in Vanautu sums my situation up pretty well:

"You just came here to help...What the hell? They don't want your help! 

You just came here to help...What the hell? Please just let me help you!"

The realization that my community simply didn't want me there--which came to me for many reasons, aside from the ones listed above, including host family issues, etc.--was a big catalyst for me leaving. The other main component was that I already had gained everything I wanted to gain from PC in my first year. I wanted to gain self-assurance and independence like never before -- Check! I wanted to live abroad and perfect my Spanish -- Check! I wanted to be fully integrated into another culture -- Check! I also realized that, at home, I already had two main things I wanted to gain and that I was NOT gaining them in Costa Rica -- the kind of integration I have here with the Latino community at home, and a community that is willing and ready to receive help AND help themselves and others! Leaving was the only logical decision I could make after thinking all of this through.

Now, before you go thinking I hated Costa Rica and had a terrible experience, I wanna stop this complaining train and say that that is 100% NOT TRUE. I had a wonderful year in Costa Rica, despite some frustrating experiences. I made wonderful friends, integrated into another culture more fully than I thought possible, gained independence and confidence, learned that I can fend for myself in a foreign country, went horseback riding on a Costa Rican beach, swam in water falls, saw monkeys in my back yard, all while managing to do some good for the kids in my community. It was an incredibly enriching experience, even though it did not turn out how I thought it would. That experience also taught me more about what I want and where I belong, knowledge I never would have had without leaving. I do not regret it in any way, and there are dear friends I left behind in Costa Rica that I will always miss and keep in touch with. Leaving was by no means an easy decision, and here's a photographic explanation of why: 

Ana, my dear friend and host sister . Don't know what
 I would have done without Ana and her family and her precious kids! 

My beautiful friend (and Tica mom!) Isa on her wedding day! 

My beloved host brother Gabriel (in the very back) and some
of my other kiddos at the after school program.

Doing a Halloween art project

Horseback riding with Rattana, one of my best friends from Tico 23.

Leinner, one of my students who became one of my best friends. 

I love how colorful Latin America is.

Does this really need explanation?

With Alex at a waterfall

Tico Thanksgiving with my Tico family <3 

Cristel's first communion

As you can see, I'm leaving behind a lot of wonderful friends, but I know that we will keep in contact and visit each other. 

In spite of all the mixed feelings I've had about this decision, I can say that I am growing more and more at peace with it every day. It turns out that my beloved dog, Lucky, was very near death when I brought him home and probably would have died by now if I hadn't taken him to the vet here at home. I start a new job on Monday working at a local school to prevent truancy, and it seems perfect to me. So, while things didn't go how I expected, everything seems to be working out for the best, and I am content. 

Pura Vida,

Rachel

Gratitude

There are a lot of great things about being a Peace Corps Volunteer, like getting to experience a totally different culture, making new friends, challenging yourself, and knowing you are making a difference, even if it is just in one child's life. But there are also a lot of hard things about being a PCV. Life in PC can often be full of a lot of doubt. Uncertainty. Insecurity. That knot in your stomach as you wonder...

 "Is anyone going to show up to this meeting I planned?" 

"Will my project ever get off the ground?" 

"Why the hell a I here since no one seems to want my help?" 

"How much longer until my vacation at home?" 

BUT, every so often, usually when you need it the most, something happens that gives you hope about your service and makes you so happy and grateful you want to cry tears of joy. Today was that day. As you know, I've run into some roadblocks recently with my after school program. I've been really worried about it (see the foregoing questions). Today was the first meeting with our new directiva (committee). The new committee consists of myself and four very reliable, motivated, enthusiastic women, two of whom are mothers of kids in the program. We had an incredibly productive discussion about building the children's center, fundraising, programming for next year, etc. We defined everyone's roles to avoid the problems I encountered with the original committee and got ourselves all on the same page for next year. The best part is that the other women were coming up with ideas and planning out the future of the project, without my prodding. It was INCREDIBLE. I can't describe adequately how happy I am or how hopeful I feel about next year after this meeting. As Doña Flor, our new treasurer told me tonight after the meeting, "Nos va a ir muy bien, ya lo sé." (Things are going to go very well for us, I already know it). 

Happily, I am less than a month away from a much-needed visit to the States to recharge my batteries with the people I love most in the world. Even better, I get to do so with a clear conscience and peace of mind about where my program stands for the coming school year, which starts in February. 

In other news, I have two best friends here in my site who follow me around almost all the time. The first, you already know...

My spoiled-rotten puppy, Lucky! 

The second is more of a recent addition to my little family here... 

Leinner, one of my second-grade students, practicing his English (with Lucky! hehe)

Another exciting project is one I've been working on with my co-teacher, Isa (who, by the way, has become a great friend of mine here -- we are making Thanksgiving dinner next week!). We are coordinating an English camp called JumpStart in January for sixth-grade students who are about to start high school. The camp, a project of Costa Rica Multilingüe and Peace Corps, is meant to catch them up to speed on English (most of the kids in my group have not had English for as long as many of their peers or really struggle with English. The majority of kids in other camps around the country have never had English and will be entering school with peers who have had English for six years). According to research done last year when the camps were first piloted, the kids who did JumpStart did better academically across the board and had much more confidence than their peers, even those who had prior knowledge of English. Anyway, the project is a really great opportunity for these kids, and we are very excited about it! Check out this video by CRML about JumpStart, and let me know if you are interested in contributing materials or a financial donation to the camp! 

That's all, folks! Thanks for reading! :) 

Love, Rachel 

A Glass Half Full

Is the glass half empty or half full?

That's a question I've been fighting with a lot lately. So many wonderful and awful things have been going on, that I just don't know which way is up sometimes! As they told us to expect in pre-service training, Peace Corps services is a roller coaster. In the same day, I can go from being ridiculously happy to crying my eyes out. Here's a rundown of the ups and downs of my last couple of months in site...

• Things got pretty rocky with my host family and I moved out sooner than anticipated...glass half empty. BUT, I now have my own adorable apartment all to myself and my puppy. Glass half full!
• I've really been missing home lately...half empty. BUT, I am more independent and self-sufficient now than I have ever been before in my life. Definitely half full! 
• Sometimes I just wanna smack some sense into my most disrespectful students, either that or pull my own hair out. Half empty. BUT, I've gotten to be close to a lot of these students outside the classroom and I feel like I am making a positive impact on them, even if classroom management drives me crazy. Definitely half full again! 
• My after school program has been driving me crazy, because the parents are so reluctant to commit and help, but they still want to send their kids to the program, which means me, alone, with like 30 kids at a time with zero assistance. I actually had to call off the last four weeks of the program before vacations in an attempt to get the parents' attention and get more support from the community. Glass definitively half empty. HOWEVER, I've recently started putting together a new committee for the program and have found a group of university students who will hopefully be reliable volunteers. Right now, despite all the stress of the last few weeks, it seems like the program might come together even better than I originally thought when school starts up again, INCLUDING a potential donation from the municipality of a lot to build a permanent youth center!!! Cheers with a glass that's most definitely half full! 

So, as you can see, in spite of some hard times, there are still plenty of glimmers of hope to hang onto and a lot of good work still left to be done. 

An old Peace Corps ad from the 1960s. 

This weekend was perfect.

This weekend was perfect. I am settled into my cozy, little apartment in Costa Rica. Yesterday, I had a relaxing morning, watched TV, made breakfast, snuggled my dog. I went to the farmer's market in Quepos and bought some delicious (and cheap!) fresh produce. I treated myself to pizza and a Coke. I planned for my after-school program and saw some of my kiddos. I stared out at the ocean. I Skyped with Alex. I made peanut butter cookies (healthy AND no-bake!). I learned how to make guacamole and margaritas with my co-teacher. After a few VERY rough weeks of homesickness and host family problems, I feel SO truly content and even more so because I am simply so RELIEVED that I am feeling that way again :-). If that makes any sense. I live in a beautiful country. I have a job I love and basically got to create and design for myself. I have a life full of loving, lovable people both here and at home. I have my own, beautiful little space. I have the three keys of happiness, if you will - something to do, people to love, things to hope for.

Farmer's market

Some shots of my new place

Lucky is settling in nicely!

Yummmm, cookies!!!

Love,

Rachel

Rant Time: GO!

Not gonna lie, dear readers...this week has been rough! Here, for your reading pleasure, are some of my quejas (complaints):

Things That Bug Me: The Unabridged Edition

1. People who are freaking unreliable! It's nearly impossible in Costa Rica to get people to show up when they say they will, IF (and this can often be a BIG IF) they decide to show up at all! I run an after-school program that serves between 50 and 70 kids on any given day, yet very few of the parents of those kids are willing to step up to the plate, be responsible, and help me out. Thus, the several times I have ended up by myself or nearly by myself with 35 kids.

2. The indirectness of the culture here. It's petty and childish. If you have a problem, come talk to me directly. Don't send your sister/neighbor/cousin's dog-sitter to do your dirty work. It's immature, and it just makes everything worse in the end.

3. School? What school? Classes get cancelled here for pretty much no reason ALL. THE. FREAKING. TIME. Rainy day? No school. Handing back exams? No classes the rest of the day. Teacher just doesn't feel like showing up? Enjoy your vacation. In one of my counterpart schools assigned by Peace Corps, I have barely started working due to this disaster of a school schedule. And that's after nearly FOUR MONTHS in my site. It's madness, I tell you, madness.

4. Machismo. Ooooh, this one makes me so mad. There is no reason in this world why I should not be able to walk down the street without someone hissing, purring, whistling, cat-calling, or doing whatever other obscene action in my direction. My name is not reina, princesa, mi amor, machita, bebe, or any other Spanish term of endearment. In fact, since we don't know each other's names, why don't you just shut up and let me be on my way in paz.

5. Classroom management. It's pretty much nonexistent here. It can make my job pretty hard at the after-school program. These kids just have never been taught classroom discipline, so it's really hard to impose it on them after a lifetime of not learning it. It's hard for them, and me, to adjust. We're getting there. Slow but sure. I think I can, I think I can...

Okay, I think I've hit on the main things that have been getting me down this week...now to end on a more positive note.

Things That Don't Bug Me: The Abridged Version

1. My students. They are the light of my life here, the constant bright spot that keeps me hanging in there on the bad days. They are intelligent, enthusiastic, clever, mischievous, hilarious, kind, welcoming, friendly, accepting, loving, affectionate, and so much more. They have truly made me feel loved and accepted here and been a huge blessing in the short time I have been here so far. I would not trade them or my work on the after-school program for the world. They make it all worth it.

2. My host brother, Gabriel. I love that child so much, I could just squeeze his chubby cheeks off. Always makes me smile.

3. My dog! Well, my almost dog. I am in the process of convincing my host family to let me have him. He might as well be mine though, since I am the only one who really loves him and pays attention to him and he follows me everywhere I go.

4. My friends in my town. I have been blessed to find several good, supportive friends in town who have been my saving grace on bad days.

5. My co-teacher, Isa. She is responsible, does not cancel class on a whim, and we work together super well. We've been co-teaching, co-planning, co-you-name-it from the beginning and we even teach a community class together. She is a wonderful teacher and I am so lucky to have her as a co-worker. We are planning an English camp for fifth and sixth graders in January.

6. Speaking of community classes....These are some of my favorite classes because I get to work with adult students who really want to learn and appreciate what I am teaching them.

Lastly, here's a video from one of my classes of some of my students playing a review game:

Odds and Ends

A few weeks ago, on Sept. 5, we got hit with a pretty big earthquake here in Costa Rica. It registered as a 7.6, which is unnerving even for the Ticos, who are very used to the smaller quakes that happen all the time here. It was pretty scary, especially for someone who is not used to experiencing such things. It actually took me a moment to realize what was happening, and then everything was rapidly shaking back and forth. It lasted for almost a full minute. I was at a friend's house, stopping by on my way to my program, and just followed everyone else's lead and stuck close to the door frame. It was super unnerving to feel as though the whole world was moving and not be able to point to the source of the movement, like a stampede or a giant truck. It was totally beyond anyone's control. Classes were cancelled all afternoon and phone and internet lines were down for most of the day. There was even a tsunami warning for a few hours. The earthquake's epicenter was in Guanacaste, where several of my fellow T23-ers are located, but thankfully everyone is okay. Two people died, which is of course an awful tragedy, but thankfully there wasn't more fallout. A smaller earthquake back in 2009 killed over 40 Costa Ricans, and this earthquake that we just had was predicted to be much larger and much more damaging than it was. So, all things considered, gracias a Dios that we made it through relatively unscathed.

The epicenter was in Guanacaste, a neighboring province, but the quake
was felt all throughout Costa Rica and Central America. 

In other news, the after school program is still going really well. We've seen a lot of positive changes already in many of the kids we've been working with behavior and confidence wise. While the stereotypes of Ticos being unreliable (showing up on "Tico Time" or not at all) has definitely been a challenge for me in recruiting volunteers, I am blessed to have a solid group of about 10 moms who consistently help me and often bring me their own ideas and initiatives without me asking. That makes me really hopeful about making the program a permanent thing, especially since my host mom recently told me she has a connection to the president of the town association, who could donate a piece of land that we could then use to collaborate with the parents to build a permanent space for the program. In addition, since I started the program I have started to feel very much a part of my community. The other day, my host mom made a joke that I need to start carrying a flag that says "Hola" around town, because so many kids and their parents come up to greet me. I am so lucky to have so many new friends in these beautiful children.

I'm so blessed to have so many cherished kids in my life, here and at home <3 

Now for some interesting cultural trivia...Macha or Machita is a word used here to refer to blonde people, specifically gringos. Surprisingly, I get called this a LOT. I can't tell you how many times I'm walking down the street and hear someone say, "Hola Machita," or "Buenos Dias Machita." It's always kind of weird cause I don't consider myself blonde. But I guess compared to most Ticas, I look blonde.

Another interesting thing I noticed at my after school program is how the Ticos will nod at you and it means they want you to go over to them. Instead of waving you over or saying come here, the kids will always say "Teacher," and nod at me. It took me a few times to figure it out, but that means come here apparently.

Last Saturday, Sept. 15, was Costa Rica's Independence Day. It was a really wonderful celebration, and it was also just what I needed to show me that I really am integrating and making connections here, since I had been feeling pretty homesick the week before. On the 14th, the Ticos in my community made their way to Quepos with beautiful, homemade (and occasionally store-bought) faroles (lanterns). There is a contest to judge the best farol, and everyone takes a stroll around the town for the desfile (parade) de los faroles. The whole thing was really beautiful and reminded me of the lantern scene from the Disney movie Tangled -- obviously the BEST part! (anyone know what I'm talking about here??)

Gabriel and his friend with their faroles :)

Desfile de los faroles - hard to get a good shot at night! 

I swear it was more like this in person!

The next day, there is a big parade through Quepos where all the kids participate, whether by playing in a band, carrying a flag, dancing, etc. It was really similar to the parades we have in the US on the Fourth of July.

Some of my students in the parade! 

Lately I have been comparing my experience here to my experience in Spain. As beautiful as my time in Spain was, I think I have come to love Costa Rica in a different, deeper way. Don't get me wrong, Salamanca is still the most beautiful place I have ever been or probably ever will go, but I think the way I have come to see Costa Rica versus Spain is like loving an imperfect person, flaws and all, versus an infatuation with someone you don't know that well yet. In Spain, I wanted very badly for everything to be perfect, to be happy all the time, to enjoy every minute and have a storybook experience. In a lot of ways, I got what I wanted, but at the same time, I didn't fully engage with the Spanish culture, speak the language enough, or get to know a more well-rounded version of Spain. I spent four months as a bit of a tourist, even though I was taking classes. Here, I strive daily NOT to look like a tourist, speak nothing but Spanish, climb rocky, muddy, pot-holey streets to work, deal with "Tico time," machismo, etc. on a daily basis. And I benefit from the kindness and generosity of the Ticos, their relaxed, stress-free attitude about a lot of things, the yummy albeit unhealthy food, my host family, etc. It's not just an infatuation; I love this country, flaws and all.

Up and Running!

My after school program is officially up and running! We started on Monday with a wonderful turnout of nearly 60 students, and the numbers have been consistent all week! The program operates in two shifts - a three hour shift in the morning and a three hour shift in the afternoon. Primer ciclo (first cycle, grades 1-3) comes in for one shift, and segundo ciclo (second cycle, grades 4-6, plus kindergartners) comes in for the other shift. Here's a snapshot of what the program looks like!

• 9-9:15: icebreaker game
• 9:15-10:00: English class
• 10-10:15: snack
• 10:15-11:00: Specials (art, science, team-building games - kids are rotated to a new activity each day)
• 11:00-11:30: study/homework time
• 11:30 - 12:00: group reading (Right now, it's Charlie & the Chocolate Factory!)

The schedule is the same in the afternoon, but from 1:00 to 4:00.

I've been fortunate to get a lot of help from the parents of the students, which is awesome because sustainability of the project is my ultimate goal, and their collaboration is necessary to make that happen. Like I've said before, I really want to find or build a house to be a permanent home for the program so that this project can continue to serve kids in my community for years to come. I am currently looking into a few different options as far as that goes.

In the meantime, I've started taking a few steps that I hope will eventually make me unnecessary to the program by the time I leave to return to the US. Allow me to explain... Poco a poco (little by little), I am doing my best to scale back my "ownership" of the program, and make the parents feel like they are the ones who own it and make it happen. So, while I did all the planning and put together all the lesson plans, materials, etc. for this week, I had the moms who were helping me out actually execute most of the activities, aside from English classes. I was more of a facilitator between activities and helped keep everyone on track and in check, bouncing around to help with various activities at any given time. Some of the time, I just sat back and beamed like a proud momma at how well the moms AND kids were doing, whether they were doing arts and crafts, playing a team-building game, doing homework, or just eating their merienda (snack). It was great to see the kids having fun and learning and watch a lot of the moms who don't necessarily think of themselves as leaders get to step into that role.

In addition, this week some of the moms and I formed a directiva (a committee) for the program. We now have a treasurer, secretary, organizer, and vice president (they wanted me to be the president, even though I tried to tell them that wasn't allowed...one step at a time). All of them are motivated and have already begun working on their jobs, for example, organizing snacks among all the parents, planning fundraisers, and scouting out new volunteers. We also started lesson planning together for the third week of the program (I pre-planned out the first two weeks just to get the ball rolling). Anyway, as you can see, there is a lot of leadership potential among the parents, and I am really hopeful that they will keep this thing going once I'm gone (cross your fingers!) Lao Tzu said it best:

"A leader is best when people barely know he exists; when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, the people will say: we did it ourselves."


On a different note, the week was just a lot of FUN. We made edible chocolate play dough, played some good old fashioned team building games, did lots of cheesy icebreakers, sang songs, ate snacks, and just enjoyed. As always, my very favorite part is getting to know the kids. I'm always amazed at how quick kids are to accept and love somebody new. I've made about 60 new best friends this week :-)

Next week promises to be just as great, and even better since we've settled into a routine! And now, for some pictures!

Our nice set-up in the salón comunal

Lucky has started following me absolutely everywhere I go.
Here he is trying to break into the salón comunal. 

Ice breaker game!

Making the edible chocolate play-doh! 

Some cute kindergartners

Making fake quicksand with cornstarch and water

Cheesin'

Volleyball...kind of!

Group reading time...What will happen to Charlie next?!